Little Things

It's funny how the smallest things can be the biggest reminders. When Mikey was still with us, I went and bought the most comfortable pair of ugg boots. I remember thinking, "This is going to be great, not only will my feet be warm all winter, I don't have to step all over Mikey's continuous shedding problem". After I lost Mikey, that is all I think about. Honestly I didn't think twice when I brought home my ugg boots that day but now every time I use it, that's all I think about. It felt like every time I use my ugg boots, I was losing a little more of that memory. A little more of that feeling. Ridiculous I know.

I have been surprised over the last few weeks how the little things remind of my baby. Just a few hours ago, my best friend shared some great news with me and I was beaming with joy and excitement for her. I felt a sense of rush and had an urge to drive across the state just to give her a hug and to share her happiness. But I couldn't bear not to think about Mikey and the joy he once brought to me and to John. 

Last weekend, John asked if he should remove Mikey's house since it was Council collection time again. Of course that is the rationale thing to do, we won't have any use for it again. But again I couldn't bear to throw his house away either. For some reason, Mikey's run down house provides me with a sense of hope, reminds of being Mikey's mummy. Reminds me of being happy.

That doesn't mean I'm not happy now, because I am. I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I have. But, I'm not the same happy person I was back then. It's a different sort of happy. Right now, I'm "grateful happy". I guess before I was "innocent happy" haha. OK, let me clarify..in my books, innocent happy is when you are blissfully unaware of how cruel life can be. Grateful happy I guess is when we know how lucky we are to have what we have because it can all be gone in a second. 

So I am grateful. I am grateful for everything I have. I am grateful to have a wonderful, loving, sexy husband who loves me for who I am. I am grateful for Larry who never stop believing in me. I am grateful for a great job which is providing me with an excellent career path. I am grateful for my mom who will never stop loving me. I am grateful for this 500sq meter property I call home. I am grateful for all the wonderful friends I have. 

I am grateful. But sometimes wish to have my innocence back.